Sitting there getting pumped full of life saving chemicals was making me nauseous, which is physically impossible because of the anti-nausea drugs. I realized my brain was warning me “THIS IS WHAT MAKES YOU SICK!” Alright, so the mental battle has begun. I decided to get my mind on something else so I turned on a song my cousin’s daughter, Ava, sang acapella for me a while back called “I will trust in you” by Lauren Daigle.
Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see
I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side
When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!
I listened to a few more worship songs and it did help.
On the medical side of things. The doctor told me my sugar was low. During the off week it was at a 66 and before chemo it was at a 61. Apparently most people feel light headed at this level as a normal level after a fast is 70 -90 and 140 after 2 hours of eating and I had eaten breakfast already. So, I was glad that I had brought a bunch of snacks including a protein shake my friend Tracey had given me. She is an old co-worker I had in college when I worked at McShane and Bowie, PLC. She said the office was praying for me and she gave me a gift bag of essential oils and health snacks that are supposed to be good for those going through breast cancer. I really miss going out to lunch with her during the work week, it was just so nice to catch up again.
My friends also spoiled me this past week. We do a girls night on occasion and this time we went to Socorro for 1/2 off hibachi. When I arrived they handed me several gifts. The staff kept asking, what are you celebrating and they replied “Girls night.” They looked at us confused since I was clearly the only one receiving gifts. Looking back, I probably should have said something like cancer recovery, but I don’t always love making that the topic of conversation in that kind of setting. The gifts were really thoughtful. Amanda and Kacie both work at Dental offices and gave me a dry mouth kit. I have been concerned about my oral hygiene so this was a timely gift. Allie gave me Laura Mercier makeup, which is nice because I am not supposed to use any of my old makeup for fear of germs and infection. Stephanie gave me a scarf and a few magazines. She also gave me a knit cap made for breast cancer survivors and for some reason Fierce thinks it is so funny to take it off my head and try to put it back on again. Lindsey, Stephanie K and Stacie both donated towards the never ending gift basket. One of the gift cards was for Harvest Health. I had been wanting to go there and get three herbs/vitamins I heard helped you to not lose feeling in your fingers and toes during the next phase of chemo. I was able to pick of 2 and order the 3rd so I am so grateful. Thank you so much girls!
By Wednesday, I just didn’t want to be home even though I felt nasty. I called up my friend Wendy and we went to Sandy Pines to relax by the water, take a golf cart ride and chill. I appreciated getting my mind off my rolling stomach, but I think I was a little ADD with the days activities. Thanks for your fun and patience Wendy! Later that night was the worst I have felt so far. People would send me a text and I felt anger because I just didn’t have the energy to respond. My mind felt this “Oh that is so nice of them” warp into “Why the heck don’t people leave me alone.” I finally decided to call my mom and through one word answers she realized I needed to have her tell everyone I would get back to them tomorrow. I felt a huge mental battle to be nice and remain positive. The only way I can think of describing my stomach pain is to say that if feels like someone took my stomach to the fair and is hitting it like they hit the high striker or strongman game and then my esophagus is the puck rising towards the bell.
Sweet, sweet Thursday arrives and I feel almost normal again. By Friday it is like nothing happened. Plus, Wes’ friend Eric stopped by and brought me flowers from the farmers market and Wes some dark chocolate fudge. Yum and thanks! My sister’s shower was on Sunday and I did notice that if I talk about chemo, I feel the remnants of nausea. Man, the mind is a crazy thing. I am so glad there is only one more round of these drugs. The nurse told me that the next drug (weekly chemo until September) doesn’t make you feel so sick. I am ready for a change